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Calorie Rules
  1. If you eat something an no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
  2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.
  3. When you eat someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.
  4. Foods used for medicinal purposes never count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast, and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
  5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
  6. Movie related foods (Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.
  7. Cookie pieces contain no fat - the process of breaking causes fat leakage.
  8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.
  9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate.
    Note: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
  10. Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies, and Popsicles.
The Science of Weight Loss

As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree centigrade. Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert, generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally suck the calories out of the only avaliable source: your body fat.

For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C (32.2 deg F) will in a short time be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 deg F). For each garm of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average dessert portion is 6 oz, or 168 grams. Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law, 6,216 calories (1 cal/gm/deg x 37 deg x 168 gms) are extracted from body fat as the dessert's temperature is normalized. Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss is approximately 5,000 calories.

Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat, the better off you are and the faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal.

This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted glasses. Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but extracts 1,036 calories (6,216 cal per 6 oz portion) in the temperature normalizing process. Thus, the net calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240 calories (12 oz x 1,020 cal/oz) are extracted from the body in the process of drinking a can of beer.

Frozen desserts, eg, ice cream, are even more beneficial, since it takes 83 cal/gm to melt them (ie, raise them to 0 deg C) and an additional 37 cal/gm to further raise them to body temperature. The results here are really remarkable, and it beats running hands down. Unfortunately, for those who eat pizzza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza (loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature) induces an opposite effect. But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with pizza and follow up immediately with large bowls of ice cream. We could all be thin if we were to adhere religiously to a pizza, beer and ice cream diet.